A few months ago when recording the mood was hostile. Both Will and BJ were on edge but could not define the problem. Finally after over an hour of recording BJ says, “I’m getting frustrated and angry” to which Will responded, “Me too, let’s figure out why.” At that point they stopped recording and happened next is the basis for this episode.
After telling the story of what happened that night BJ and Will get into a Conflict 101 lesson followed by a list of healthy and unhealthy responses to conflict. They then discuss the skills needed to effectively resolve conflict. Next is 10 rules for fair fighting with discussions for each rule. Finally they spend the remainder of the show explaining some tips for resolving conflict.
08:46 The Episode That Will Never Air
BJ created the shownotes for an episode on dating. In the process of doing this he atempted to get into the mindset of himself and Will as college students, before many of the life lessons that have lead them to who they are now. He accomplished this so well that the entire tone of the episode was different. Upon review Will had reservations but after a few corrections they proceeded with the recording.
Throughout the episode BJ and Will were at odds. Will concerned about the tone and presentation of the episode and BJ frustrated by having put much effort into the episode. Finally BJ stated, “I’m getting frustrated and angry”
Will look at him and said, “Me too, something’s wrong.” He then grabbed a couple of beers and they discussed the issues they were both having with the episode.
14:27 Conflict 101
To start the guys review basic Conflict 101 with a few key points to remember when faced with a conflict.
Conflict is more than a disagreement.
It is the difference between a minor skirmish and trench warfare. A disagreement is a difference of opinion on issues that are superficial or of lesser importance to both parties. Whereas conflict involves deeper core differences that need to be resolved.
They also have a tendency to fester when ignored.
If left to their own devices conflicts will fester and build without effort from either party. In the example used throughout the episode had BJ left rather than discussing the issue with Will he would have ruminated on the issue his entire drive home. It would have been on both of their minds the following days and could have ended the podcast had it not been resolved.
Response to conflict is based on perception
The conflict is often times not as big as perceptions make it seem. Responses tend to be to the perception of the situation and less to an objective review of the facts. Life experiences, values, culture, and beliefs all contribute to and influence perceptions. There is a concept in psychology that each person views the world through their own set of tinted lenses. The tint on those lenses is this perception. A person with bright yellow tinted driving lenses will see the world differently than a person with dark polarized shades. It is important to not only take into consideration the other persons perceptions but also your own.
Conflicts trigger strong emotions
Passion Rules Reason
Let Reason Be Your Only Sovereign
Two quotes taken from Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth Series. A set of fantasy novels read by both Will and BJ that are strongly influence by Ayn Rand’s Objectivism. If uncomfortable or unable to manage emotions in times of stress successful resolution of conflict is not likely. During the conflict between BJ and Will each had moments of strong emotion. It is not the emotion or the anger that is judged but the response to that emotion.
Conflicts are an opportunity for growth
The purpose for this episode and post is to illustrate and provide tips for growing from conflict resolution. After the conflict with Will was resolved BJ’s motivation drastically increased. He redoubled his efforts in his job hunt and from that has had several interviews.
18:35 Responses to Conflict
- The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters
- A readiness to forgive and forget.
- The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
- Knowledge that resolution can support the interest of both parties
The difficulty here is figuring out what is important to both parties. Also recognizing what is not important can benefit the resolution.
The goal is to resolve the conflict to both parties satisfaction not to win a battle. This can become an issue when the rules for fair fighting are not followed. Past grievences should not be a part of the discussion when resolving a current conflict.
Knowing what is important can lead to understanding the views of the other person. That undstanding leads to a knowledge of where compromise can take place.
This is more than just a belief but the knowledge that both parties can benefit from resolution. Having a mindset of mutual benefit leads to better undersanding of compromise.
Unhealthy responses may occur on the path to healthy responses. It’s when those are the only responses the resolution does not happen. Unhealthy responses to conflict ultimately lead to one of two outcomes. Either a healthy response and resolution of the conflict or disolution of the friendship or relationship. In a work environment this could be leaving or being terminated from a job.
- Inability to recognize matters of importance
- Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions
- Withdrawal of love/friendship resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment
- Expectation of bad outcomes
- Fear and avoidance of conflict
Both Will and BJ were in their own “mental echo chambers” through the recording. Neither one seeing the importance of the issues the other brought up.
Unhealthy responses can start out with these. The visceral reaction to conflict initally leads to these reactions.
It’s very easy to start walling off. As the other person gets more upset and irritated the pattern snowballs. If not recognized early both parties will isolate themselves from the other making understanding the other’s needs and compromise more difficult.
The expectation that the conflict will not end well or will end with the disolution of the relationship can lead to the walling off and an avoidance of the issue.
Ignoring the issue will cause the conflict to build and perceptions of the conflict to grow disproportionately.
32:19 Rules for Fair Fighting
- Remain Calm
- Express Feelings in words, not actions
- Be specific
- Deal with one issue at a time
- No “Hitting below the belt”
- Avoid accusations
- Don’t generalize
- Don’t stockpile
- Avoid clamming up
40:34 Skills to Resolving Conflict
- Quickly relieve stress
- Recognize and manage emotions
- Improve your nonverbal communication
- Use the five why’s
44:42 Tips for Resolving Conflict
- Make relationships your priority
- Focus on the present
- Pick your battles
- Be willing to forgive
- Know when to let something go
- Recognize the Conflicting Needs
- Manage Stress While Remaining Alert and Calm
- Control Your Emotions and Behavior
- Pay Attention to Feelings Being Expressed
- Be Aware and Respectful of Differences